Heartbreak and Loss (ShuffleSwap fic)

(Written in Niki POV)


It's been 10 years since that day.....since the day we met. I never, at any point during that time, thought this day would come....


We have a son, he's 8 years old. He shouldn't have to go through this....Swap shouldn't have to go through this...none of us should. Yet here we are...


I sighed, listening to the steady blip of the monitor connected to his soul, the rhythmic sound like that of a heartbeat. Looking to my right. Kody was asleep on the recliner in the corner. In front of me...was Swap....lying on a hospital bed looking worn and drained of life, when only a few days ago he had been his normal hyper self, running around and playing with Kody... It killed me to see him like this. He was so sick...


I forced myself to my feet, crossing my arms over my chest and walking to his bedside, hoisting myself up to sit beside him, looking doe at him. He never looked more peaceful than he did now, when he was asleep... When he was awake he was always in pain, going into coughing fits so bad he'd end up coughing up blood... Nobody had been able to figure out what was wrong with him. It had come on so fast too.


I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and tried to force them back, like I had these past few days. Only this morning Swap had told me...that he was 'tired'...that he wanted 'to just rest'. Whatever this was, he couldn't fight it and he knew he couldn't. He was still suffering for our sakes....


"You might be ready....but I-I'm not... I don't want to loose you. Not yet..." I'd never felt so broken as when I spoke those words. I'd never felt so heavy as right now. I closed my eyes and let the tears start to fall.


I felt a weak tug at the collar on my neck and my eyes shot open. He was awake...his fingers curled weakly through the short loop attached to the collar. I quickly tried to rub my tears away but he tugged at the loop to get my attention...and I gave it to him. His breathing was shaky and hard and I grimaced at the pain in his eyes.


"I-it's....t-time to....to let go..."


The weakness and pain in his voice shook me to my very core and I broke, dropping my head and just letting myself come undone.


"W-we can't Swap...I know they'll figure this out! We can't give up yet! Please, I'm begging you...just...please..."


He had enough strength to pull me down to look at him so we were more level. I was being selfish and damned if I didn't know I was, but he had bee my entire word for those sweet 10 years and had given me our son after only 2. Being selfish seemed perfectly reasonable.... Swap sighed softly, reaching up to the clip that kept the loop attached to my collar but I grabbed his wrist before he could undo it.


"Please Swap...I'm begging you...." I pleaded with him, searching his eyes for any sign that he could hang on a little longer. But I found none...


He looked at me with so much sadness in his gaze.... He used both hands to pull me down to him, bringing me into a kiss. When we separated from it, he was smiling weakly, the loop no longer connected to my collar but held to his chest.... That was his way of letting me go.....and I knew I should do the same, but...


"Daddy....? Papa....?"


I didn't think I could hurt worse until I looked up to see Kody staring back at me. God how I didn't want to do this.... Swap motioned him over, his life visibly draining before our eyes. I didn't want Kody to be in the room when Swap dusted....at the very least I wanted to spare him that.


"You see that, r-right there...?" Swap pointed at his hoodie, waiting for Kody to nod in response. He strained to take a deep breath and continued. "C-can you take c-care of it f-for me..? It's the...the most important thing I-I've ever owned...." He covered his mouth, coughing painfully. "C-can you do th-that for me....huh, Kody?"


I slipped off of the bed as Kody reached for the hoodie and hugged it to his chest, trying his best not to cry and to be strong for Swap. I was proud of him for that though it was bittersweet. The two exchanged a hug that last a few minutes and Swap whispered something to him that I couldn't hear. When he looked to me, I knew what he wanted.


I escorted Kody to a waiting room and asked a nurse that had been working with us to watch him for me. I could see it in her eyes when I didn't say 'us' like I usually did.


The walk back to the room was hard...and going back in was harder. When I entered, he had reclined the hospital bed so that he was sitting up.... and what I hadn't expected to see...was him crying.... I was at his side in an instant, sitting beside him on the bed, and just as quickly he was in my arms, apologizing over and over again for leaving us as if this was all his fault.  


I did my best to console him and thankfully managed to calm him after a few short minutes. I was relieved to have him calm again but he was so calm....so quiet that I knew he was all but gone. With what life he had left in him he spoke...


Holding up the loop to me, he smiled. "Y-you will....always b-be mine...and me...yours..." He coughed, his voice becoming weaker. "But...I let you go s-so....so that y-you can move on...and be f-free with your f-future..." his hand dropped, his energy gone. "S-so please, l-let me go...s-so you....can let y-yourself move on..."


The tears started to fall again, and I leaned towards him, kissing him....for the last time....


"F-for you....anything..." He tried to move away from me and I helped him lay back down....holding his hand as he took his final breath and his body corroded away and turned to dust before my very eyes. Even at his end he had smiled for me like he always did.


I stayed there for hours that night, just crying alone in the hospital room until my father and Swap's mother came and took Kody and myself home.

- -   -   -

Five years later and things are still moving forward. I see him in our son everyday... Kody is just as hyper and fun loving as his dad. I've done my best to move on like he wanted me to and I spend all the time I can with Kody. Looking after such a rambunctious child on my own has drained me, and while his grandparents try to help me, I don't want to miss a moment with him.


He still has Swaps hoodie too. For his tenth birthday he wanted me to get a case for it and now it sits in the living room, hanging over Swaps favorite spot....


While I wish things had turned out differently, I will never regret meeting him. The memories of our first meeting when I saved his life, when we first found out we were having Kody, of when we got married.... Those memories will never die or fade. I may have let him go....but his memory will live on with us....and I couldn't be happier for that......



(((Inspired by a running RP in which Swap has died, and the two are progressing in moving on as he had wished them to)))


Written while listening to: Goodbye To A World- Piano Cover